My Inactivity - UPDATE

UPDATE: I just wanted to take a moment  _{before I lose my pretty journal skin} to thank you all  for your support through this matter. I was not anticipating such an overwhelmingly positive response from you guys. You all mean a lot to me, and I greatly appreciate how thoughtful and kind you all have been, far more than I could ever express. I have yet to reply to some of your comments, but I just wanted to let you know how much it means to me that you were all so supportive and wonderful to me during these dark times. I love all y'all, you rock, and never let anyone try to convince you otherwise!

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There is a reason for it. One I have been guarding and keeping to myself for a long time. Now, there is no longer a point in that. So I'm laying my cards out on the table. It's the least I can do, given all the complaints I have received about my absence in both private and public.

In my last journal, I apologized to you all for not keeping up with you. For disappearing, for my silence, everything it is that people were upset about (all the concerns brought to me, at least). But I left it with 'I'm not in a good place right now' instead of giving you a real explanation as to what's happening.

Here it is now.

Over the past six months, my mother has undergone radiation therapy to get rid of her breast cancer. Thankfully, it was in a very early stage when they found it, and her treatment went with little to no problematic obstacles. However, soon after she was cleared, her mother - my grandmother - started to decline rapidly. Her health was failing. My grandfather was at wits end, doing what he could to help, but losing what little patience he had left fast.

My grandparents visited us. I saw how bad things were getting. I had to reintroduce myself to my grandmother at first before she realized who I was and where she was. She had trouble getting around. Her body and mind were failing her. And so my family, direct and not, decided she would be better off in a nursing home so she would have more help.

That was a death sentence.

My grandmother didn't know why they took her from the home she had never left for 60 years or more. She didn't know who these people were, and didn't care to find out, even if they tried to help her. She started having illusions, nightmares, and her decline quickened its pace. I watched my grandmother forget who I was. I watched her forget me, my brother, my mother - her own daughter, youngest of her children - and all my relatives. I watched her lose interest in living her life, and last night, I watched her die.

I knew this was coming. I tried bracing myself for it, telling myself what was coming, preparing my mind to cope with the loss of someone I loved so much. This woman taught me more useful things than my own parents have. She inspired me more than I was ever even aware. And now she's gone. I don't remember the last time I cried. Really, truly, grabbed someone and sobbed into them like I did today. I have kept my thoughts and my emotions to myself for a long time now - and to have them become so great that they rush out of my fucking eyeballs is something else. 

So in case you didn't care to read this, I'll sum it up for you.
I haven't been on because my grandmother was suffering and died last night.
For those of you who did read, I thank you. I know this all probably sounds like I'm begging for sympathy and attention and whatever, but I needed to speak instead of sob for a change.

 I really don't feel like it would be wise of me to talk to anyone right now.  My behavior has been pretty bad. This, I consider to be more or less a notification to those who are still hanging in there and sticking with me. You guys are fantastic. When I move past this, I'll be deleting this journal or something and coming back full swing with the best I can do. I thank you all for your time, patience, and cooperation.

I-MAGE-D, signing out~